***WARNING*** Some of the paragraphs may contain spoilers.
Last week someone, I forget who, retweeted the Gay Times into my time line. The title was “American Horror Story: A definitive ranking of all eight seasons.” I’m not linking to the article as I’m boycotting Gay Times and Attitude but feel free to search for it if you really have to.
Anyway, in my own true gay style I’m here to say they were wrong. Very wrong.
Definitively so. As they say.
So here’s my definitive ranking of all eight seasons.
8. Asylum (Season 2)
Aliens and that goddamn musical number. Nothing, literally nothing, about this season was enjoyable. It felt like Ryan Murphy said “You know what, we kicked ass with Murder House, we camped it up in Glee, lets do a comedy!” Because that’s all this was, a failed attempt at humour and proof that tellyviewing public will watch any old crap. And yes, I’m including myself in that. I mean come on! Chloe Sevigny was in it, who, since Boys Don’t Cry, has totally forgotten how to act!
7. Freak Show (Season 4)
The last outing for Jessica Lange as series regular and this was not the best seasons for her to go out on. How, for the love of fuck, did this series get twenty, yes twenty, Emmy nominations? That’s the most of any goddamn season! What? I can only assume they all had some connection to Jessica Lange because no one else, I mean no one, deserved anything for the abomination that was Freak Show. Okay, maybe Denis O’Hare at a push but even he seemed to phone it in for this season. You knew the episode was going to go down quicker than me when someone decided Finn Wittrock and Wes Bentley could act.
6. Hotel (Season 5)
Chatting with a work colleague about this being number six and the conversation went along these lines…
“How can it be at number six? What about Gaga?!”
“Gaga Is one of the reasons it’s this far down, she’s awful!”
“You have to be wrong, she got a Golden Globe for it!”
And that right there is proof that the majority of showbiz* awards are fixed piles of bullshit!
Gaga’s entrance was amazing. The reveal of the character was perfect and everything I wanted from her appearing in a show I’d come to adore by this sage. Sadly it all went down hill when she spoke. Wooden doesn’t come to describe it. People keep telling me she’s amazing in A Star is Born and although I’m withholding judgement as I haven’t seen it** I can only hope it’s true. Mostly because some of the people who told me she’s improved are people who’s opinion I trust and I don’t want them to be wrong.
The only reason this isn’t in last place is because Denis O’Hare does an amazing job as Liz Taylor.
5. Cult (Season 7)
This had such potential. Evan Peters as a David Koresh-like Kai Anderson was everything I want in a cult leader. Some nice plot twists, a couple of plot holes sadly but a story most intelligent people could get behind. I say most because sadly I know some intelligent people who voted for Trump but hey, it takes all sorts. The only down side to this entire seasons was Sarah Paulson. I love her. I think she’s an amazing actress. Have you seen her in American Crime Story? Truly iconic. But watching this season of AHS I just wanted to shout “SHUT UP!” at her. Nothing but crying. I’d love to have seen her script.
Ally would you like a cup of tea?
[Crying] Waaaaaaaaa! But the cup!
It’s just tea Ally
[Crying some more] Waaaaaaaa! It’ll be hot!
[Ally exits but crying can be heard all the way up until the the closing fucking credits]
4. Apocalypse (Season 8)
I love the story crossing over the different seasons. I love Myrtle being back. I love coven being so heavy involved. I got bored by how much time we spent in the past. And there were waaaaaaaaaaay too many plot holes. I can’t say too much more about this episode as it just bugged me that one episode was good and the next was shit.
3. Coven (Season 3)
I loved this season so much. I loved the hype around it, the story line of who was the next supreme and Jessica Lange was so so perfect. Kathy Bates was wonderful but it was Angela Bassett who stole the show. She was so powerful as Marie Laveau. The first thing I remember seeing Angela Bassett in was the Tina Turner biopic*** “What’s Love Got to Do with it” and from that point on I’ve adored her. Even in the that awful Eddie Murphy vampire abomination she was fantastic. In Coven she was stunning. Totally made the show. With Kathy Bates as that racist bitch, Lange as Fiona Goode and Bassett as Leveau the show was a masterpiece the Salem witches would have been proud of.
2. Roanoke (Season 6)
The mockumentary style of this season was so cleverly done that this is why it’s my number two. I’m not going to mention Sarah Paulsons English accent other than to say she’d obviously put a call in to Dick Van Dyke and Kneau Reeves. Lily Rabe and Cuba Gooding Jnr were beautiful in their roles and played the parts so well. Adina Porter is very quickly becoming one of my favourite actresses.
1. Murder House (Season 1)
By far this is the best seasons of all. Beautifully written, expertly filmed and perfectly acted. Connie Britten, Dylan McDermot, Evan Peters and Jessica Lange are superstars. Everything about this seasons is perfect. And the plot twists were handled so well. As Brad will tell you I can quite often work out where a story line is going and predict how shows are going to end. Well with this I was stumped. I guessed some of it but not even close to as much as I usually would.
They say the first is often the best and this is no exception.
So there you have the definitive ranking of American Horror Story seasons. I’ll be honest, I don’t hold out much hope for seasons nine or ten, but we’ll see.
*Actually most award ceremonies, not just showbiz ones.
**I’m currently refusing to pay to see a remake. Hollywood needs to get it’s imagination back or do some more goddamn research because remaking something, as they are doing often, is getting boring.
***Pronounced bio-pic, not bi-opic!