Category Archives: Rather Weighty This

Anxiety at the gym

Anxiety at the gym

So I’m fat. No amount of pulling my stomach in is going to hide it. There are days I don’t mind it. I never like it but there are days I think “I’m happy, I have a great life, Brad loves me, who cares what size I am!”

These days are few and far between.

At work I can ignore it.
At home I can ignore it.
Out with friends I can mostly ignore.
Performing I can always ignore it.

At the gym, well that’s a whole different matter.

At the gym, where I’m going to try and get fitter, I often get body image anxiety. And by often I mean every singe time. I’m not exaggerating there, I get it every single time.

Sometimes I can ignore it. I switch it off by saying “hey, you’re doing something about it!” but other days I can’t. Yesterday was one of those days where I couldn’t turn it off.

In I walk, ashamed of being so big and wondering which member of staff is judging me.
[None of them are!]

I get changed, trying to find a spot where no one can see me because, well, who would want to?
[No one! Not because I’m fat but because straight men rarely want to see other men naked, and yes, most of them are straight — we can smell our own!]

I walk to the exercise room, noting how busy the pool is because if it’s too busy I’m not going in because people will judge me.
[No, they won’t! They don’t care, they’re there to swim, not look at me!]

I spend thirty minutes to an hour on the treadmill, panicking that my fat feet make too much noise pounding the treadmill.
[My feet aren’t fat, they’re feet! And no one can hear me as they have their music playing!]

I then move to the weights. I pick up two dumbbells and do some bicep curls but I’m constantly seeing the other guys looking at me.
[They’re not. They’re looking in the mirror watching themselves work out. I don’t even appear on their radar!]

I move to a machine to get away from the guys watching me.
[Again, they’re not watching me, they’re watching themselves, I’m not important!]

I don’t spend long on the machine before anxiety gets there better of me and with everyone watching I get embarrassed and leave.
[No one watches me!]

I go back to the changing room and the staff stare as they know I’ve not been there long.
[The staff are actually more concerned that physically and mentally I’m okay and not worried about how long I’ve been there – I know this to true, they’ve proved it!]

Again I find a corner of the changing room where no one will see me.
[Again, they’re not interested in seeing me!]

I shower and dry off in the shower cubicle and panic that the towel is too small and won’t go around me.
[Our towels are huge, they swamp me even now.]

Back at the bench I sit and wait until people have left. They don’t want to see me dry my fat belly.
[No, they don’t want to see it because they don’t care!]

I leave and keep my head down so I don’t have to interact with the staff because I’ll make up a lie about why I’m leaving.
[They won’t care about that, they just want me to get a good experience from the gym.]

I sit in the car and do all I can to not get upset about everything that I think that just happened.

It won’t matter how many times people tell me the pieces in [brackets] as I already know the truth. I know no one cares what I look like. I know the other gym users are interested in themselves not me. I know the staff care. But right there are then it doesn’t matter. It never matters.

I’m fat.
On bad days I detest myself.
On good days I’m just fat.
I don’t mind being fat.
I just don’t like how I feel about it.

And so it begins… again.

I’ve rejoined the gym.

During lockdown I gained almost two and half stone and am absolutely disgusted with myself. That being said, if the scales are right this morning, since realising my stupidity and monitoring my food intake I’m not down a stone and a half.

Currently, and I’m ashamed to say this, I’m 21st. I keep saying I need to do something about yet I’m my own worst enemy. I know what I need to do I just don’t do it! And I genuinely don’t know why.

I know where I go wrong and I know how to stop it. I know the right things to do and I know when and where to do it. I know where to get help and I know who I can turn to. So with all that in mind why do I constantly sabotage myself? Why do I do so well at Weight Watchers or at the gym for a few months and then, just when I’m showing some progress I let it all go.

I do not know why I do this. If you know then please tell me!

Gains and gains.

Today I’ve been more than just a member at Weight Watchers. I’ve been “clerking” – basically taking the money and selling the goodies then sending the members off to get weighed. It’s really interesting and I’ve learned sooooooo much by being at six meeting so far with another three coming up in the evening.

It’s just as well I learned as at my own weigh-in earlier this day I was up 3.5lb.

So, am I angry about this? Nope.

See it was kinda planned.

Since being back at WW I’ve not had one week where I’ve gained and I’ve only had one week without weight loss, when I was no loss, no gain. I’m not including the week I was sick.

Of all the people you know in this small world you know yourself better than anyone else, and I know me particularly well. As such, after being ill and getting a 6.5lb loss due to food poisoning I knew I was at risk of eating the entire contents of Tesco so I let myself off this week. I still tracked but I wasn’t bothered about going over my points. Lets just say, the entire week became a treat week.

As such I’m 3.5lb up and not in the slightest bit upset about it.

I’ve gained 3.5lb and I’ve gained the experience of the WW Coach and all the members giving hints and tips during the meeting.

I will be down next week. Watch this space.

Milestones and Mistakes

Tuesday is weigh in day for me and yesterday was no different. I was down 1lb. That’s me down a stone since coming back to WW. I’m over-joyed by this.

Nine weeks of being back at WW, eight weeks of weigh-ins, not one gain. I had one week where there was no loss and no gain which was acceptable as it was the first weigh-in after Pride week and I’d drank a lot and eaten crap during the week.

So that’s me with two lovely milestone tokens for my keying. And yes, I do mean lovely.

Not everyone wants to advertise that they’re at Weight Watchers but every member gets a little boost when someone says well done. These tokens hang on your keyring (if you want) and only another Weight Watchers member would know what it means. Most random Joes wouldn’t have a clue.

I’m very proud of those tokens as it shows me that I’ve turned a corner. Something I’ve been trying to do for a while. Often I’ve been saying “This is it,” or “This is the last time I’m having a new start,” and even “So yeah, I’ve said it before but this really is a new start new me.” On the odd occasion I might add “And this time I mean it!” or even give a the ol’ 12″ Gods Kitchen Remix of “I promise!”

I haven’t said that yet this time round but looking back at the last eight weeks something has definitely changed and I’m very pleased about it.

So last night proved just how easy it is for me to slip back in to my old ways and how dangerous my eating habits can be.

Brad made a lasagne. It was gorgeous. I was lethal.

Weight Watchers uses a points system to help with weight loss. All food gets a point value with some being zero. It works. Your points allowance is slightly lower than it should be to aid with losing weight then when you’re at your goal weight you get extra points to maintain your weight and stop losing any. With all the help WW give you it’s easy to work out the points of food and your meal.

So here’s the lasagne ingredients and their points.

Ingredients SmartPoints
250g Onion 0
60g Carrots 0
60g Celery 0
30g Garlic 0
450g Mince 11
2tbsp Tomato Puree 0
400g Tinned Tomatoes 0
125ml Red Wine 3
400ml Beef Stock 1
75g Butter 28
75g Plain Flour 7
750ml Milk 21
100g Parmesean 14
8 Lasagne Sheets 14

My home made “Milestones” book so I can keep track and reward myself.

99 SmartPoints!  NINETY-NINE!

In the past I wouldn’t have pointed it I’d have just eaten half it. And yes, in the past on a Tuesday after weigh-in I’d have just eaten it because, it’s treat day.

I get 38 points a day. I lose points as I lose weight but currently, as I said, I have 38. So, in my half portion of Lasagne I’d have eaten in the past I’d be twelve points over my daily allowance and that’s if I hadn’t eaten anything all day. Obviously I had.

So taking in to account all my milestones (all of them listed below) and the fact I pointed the lasagne I really do feel like I’ve turned that proverbial aforementioned corner.

Original Weight Returning Weight
First half stone lost First half stone lost
10lb lost 10lb lost
5kg lost 5kg lost
1 stone lost 1 stone lost
5% of body weight lost
20lb lost
1.5 stone lost
10kg lost
2 stone lost
30lb lost
10% lost
15kg lost
2.5 stone lost
40lb lost
3 stone lost
20kg lost
3.5 stone lost
50lb lost
15% lost

“Original Weight” is when I first start WW four (?) years ago – 23st 7lb
“Returning Weight” is when I went back to WW nine weeks ago – 20st 8.5lb


A full list of all these goals is on the all new “Milestones” page.

Lasagne by Brad. Was AMAZING! (And there’s two more portions left!)

The Unexpected

For the first time since rejoining Weight Watchers I was confident I’d be down. I’d been careful all week. I’d tracked most of the week and when I hadn’t I carefully considered what I was eating and I got some exercise.

I walked into class with my head held high, knowing I’d had a good week.

I stood on the scales and expected Phil to say “You’re down a pound” because recently it’s all been just a pound here or there. No complaints as at least it’s in the right direction.

So colour me shocked when she told me I was four pounds down. That’s me one pound away from having lost a stone since going back. I’m overjoyed with this!

Today is good day. For more reasons than just me weight loss!

Working on the 80/20

So in my efforts to get thinner and fitter I knew exercise was going to play some part in it.

Every diet plan you join…

Hang on, no, not every* diet plan does mention exercise and it’s important you know that. Why? Because it’s the difference between and good diet plan and a bad one. Eating healthy is all well and good but exercise must play some part. If you’re like me you’ll find any excuse you can to not do any exercise, and I do mean any.

“The doctor says I can’t.”
“I’ve got a report to write that I must get done in the next hour.”
“I’m not feeling well.”
“I’ve a bone in my leg.”
“Do you realise how dangerous exercise is?!”

No matter how big you are you can still do some form of exercise. Go to YouTube and look up “chair exercises” and you’ll get videos like this one and loads more.

See! You can still exercise while watching your stories.

Essentially what I’m saying is avoid diet plans that don’t mention exercise. The ratio you often hear is 80/20. 80% better and healthier eating and 20% exercise. There are certain diet plans that don’t mention exercise at all. Or rather it didn’t when I tried. It was all soups, shakes an porridge and made no mention of exercise at all. I was thrilled because at the time I knew no better.

You can lose weight without exercising so don’t panic if your doctor really did tell you that you shouldn’t do any – and yes, I’e been told that so it is a valid excuse sometimes. You’ll lose weight but it’ll be slower. You might not see the progress as much as you would when you just get out there and start walking or even doing those chair exercises.

Anyway, I’ve digressed from the point of this post.

Since going back to Weight Watchers the only exercise I’ve done is the odd walk and it’s usually been short and slow. That’s not essentially a bad thing as any exercises is better than nothing, but I could have done more.

I’ve used various excuses, some genuine, some lazy, but today there’s was no excuse that would suffice in getting me out of the exercise decision I’d made.

I had a business meeting at the Galway Plaza (it’s great for business meetings as the coffee is amazing and the selection of eatery’s good) so I decided to cycle there. Ignoring the fact I haven’t been out on the bike in over twelve months, it was only 8km and shouldn’t be too difficult. I’d checked out my bike yesterday while clearing the garage out so I knew that although it needs a few cosmetic touches it was essentially good to go.

I made the decision to cycle to the meeting at approximately 4am. Probably not the best time to make these kind of decisions but once it was made I wasn’t going to take it back.

Suffice to say I was right, it wasn’t too difficult. In fact, I took it steady and it was very enjoyable. I saw a lot more of where I live that I did flying past in the car.

After the meeting I had to the cycle back to contend with. Getting to the plaza was essentially all downhill with odd little incline now and then. This was going to be a nightmare.

Again, I was right, getting back was a different story. I managed 2km before I had to admit defeat and call Brad. Yes, this was an excuse I didn’t want to use but sadly both my knees gave way. I can’t afford to not work so I don’t want to end up cancelling work because I can’t walk.

Getting exercise is great but I need to accept my limitations. So now my limitations are set at a 10km round trip. Nothing bad about that!

If you’re interested you can see my route below.


At the Mad About The Voice Ireland event I won a chocolate biscuit cake in the raffle. It was delicious. I know because I ate most of it. Brad had some but not much.

I’m sure you can imagine that knowing how much I’d eaten this week played heavy (pardon the pun) on my mind as I walked into Weight Watchers this morning.

No class as such as it’s race week here in Galway so it was just a weigh & go. I walked in knowing I’d be up but prepared to take the hit.

As Phil (my WW leader) says “When you’ve had a bad week, that’s when you need a class!” and she’s right. Skipping meetings doesn’t work – trust me, I’ve tried. The ole “I’ll have a good week next week and go back with weight off the following week!” only leads to more weight gain and not solving any problems.

So in I walked, head held high because I was accepting my failure and knowing I could work past it this week.

“You’re half a pound down,” said Phil.

I was speechless (it happens sometimes). I was sure I was going to be up and I’d accepted this. I’d done the same the week before, I’d gone in expecting to be up due the ‘BLTs’ but was still down.

So I read back last weeks entry, thought more about this weeks weigh-in and I have come to the conclusion that my head really is in the right space. I’ve been saying it but I was sure I believed it. I’m consciously counting my points even if I’m not tracking them on paper or in the app. I’m losing weight each week. I’m accepting the risk of being up but not looking at it as failing but more a lesson. Why do I think I’m going to be up? What have I done well? What do I need to change?

So another good week. That’s 9lb lost over four weeks. I’ll take that. Ever closer to the £100 from Juzz.

Dangerous BLTs!

Yesterday at home I was having a mini meltdown because I was worried about my weigh in.

I’d had a week of BLTs while I was cooking. BLTs aren’t bacon, lettuce and tomatoes which is just as well given that I’m allergic to tomatoes. No, BLTs for me are “bites, licks and tastes.”

How many times, while you’re preparing food, do you take a bite of something to see if it’s ready? Or maybe you have a biscuit while you’re making a cup of tea and then have a couple of biscuits with the tea?

How often, while baking, do you lick the spoon before throwing it in the dishwasher or sink? Because I know you don’t put it back in the bowl!

Tasting food is often a necessity when preparing a meal for other people because you want to make sure it’s right. What happens when you prepare food for others every single day?

You don’t notice these BLTs yet they could be doing as much damage as your regular meals.

That was my week! I had bites, licks and tastes of so much food during the week that come Monday night I was worried about going for my weigh-in. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was clerking (taking the money) for my Wellness Coach, Phil, at my local Weight Watchers session, I can honestly say I wouldn’t have gone. I’d have made some rubbish excuse about why I shouldn’t go and I’d have promised myself that I’d go back next week with weight down.

Don’t ever do this! Whether you’re at Weigh Watchers or following any other diet plan you need to weigh in once a week and take the hit if you’re up. Accept why and deal with it. Ignoring it will just make it worse.

So I went for my weigh-in, all prepared to be up, and thanks to tracking everything other than the BLTs I was down 1.5lbs. Even though I hadn’t tracked the BLTs I was very conscious of them.

Down 1.5lb and I had ice cream and cake! I’m not missing out and I’m loving it!

Closing Rather Weighty This

So, I’ve decided to shut down one of my other sites. The site Rather Weighty This was great when I started it and I used it when I need to but it was set up for the wrong reasons.

I wanted to separate my weight loss journey from my every day blogging/writing. I was wrong to do that. My weight loss for which I took help from, is part of me, it’s who I am and who I want to be but I treated it like it was something different. Almost like it was someone else. And why did I do that? Well, the answer is sad yet easy.

By putting those posts somewhere I can deny the truth and doing that is dangerous. I’m fat. I’m working on it. I’ve done some hard thinking over the last twelve months and no, this isn’ t me starting again, this is me accepting that my fight to be smaller isn’t going to be the instant success I want it to be. Strangely enough making the decision to shut the site down has been strangely relaxing.

I have body image issues, as an early post suggests, and getting over them is a massive struggle. Putting that struggle on to someone else, another persona, a different online identity is just pushing it away and not dealing with it.

Now I am dealing with it.

Now things feel different. I’ve had plenty of “I’m starting again” moments but none of them have felt like this.

If anything can prove to me that I’m on the right track it’s what happened last weekend.

Myself and Brad went to the UK for family events (birthday, another birthday and yet another birthday). This would involve two meals out and family party with a buffet. I was determined to go to them, enjoy them and still be down at my next Weight Watchers meeting.

So I put my mind to it, I planned, I tracked and I was careful. I was successful! I went to my class and was down. I have never been away for a weekend and come back with weight off. How did I do it? Planning and tracking.

All this tells me I’m in a new headspace.

My goal now is to be three stone down by the end of the year. I think this is doable and I’m supremely confident I’ll do it.

So, now I’m embracing me as I am and starting to like what I am it’s time to get rid of Rather Weighty This.

All the posts from there have been imported to here and tagged with the Rather Weighty This category tag and the titles change to show they’re imports. In the menu at the top of the page I’ve added a button that will only show those entries.  Everything about my weight loss will now be on here.

Weigh in is on Tuesday and I’ve a worry I might be up this week but if so it’ll only be by a 1lb and I can get rid of that by the next meeting.

#ThinkSkinny 🙂

*RWT Import* – Body Image Issues

Happily I handed over the forms with my bank details on it to the girl behind the reception desk. I had the tour and I was impressed so arranging a monthly direct debit was perfectly fine.  The next stage was booking my fitness assessment.

Excited and motivated I booked my appointment for the very next day and it happened to be with the manager, James.  I was weighed, measured and evaluated.  I was still excited and motivated. 

James took me out of his office and into the main gym area and explained each machine and what he wanted me to do.  

First was a warm up on the bike.  Five minutes cycling staying above 80rpm with the resistance set at 9 or 10.  He left me and came back just as the five minutes was ending.  He congratulated me and we moved on.

Ten minutes on the treadmill, walking at around 5km/h with the incline set at 1.  “Watch the time and every minute increase the incline by point five.  If you’re struggling lower the speed by half a kilometre, don’t lower the incline.  I’ll be back in ten minutes,” and off he went.

Sure enough ten minutes later he came back to find me sweating, the machine running at 3km/h and the incline at 5.5.  I felt like I was dying but my motivation and excitement was still high.

After a two minute break we headed over to the weights area.  He went through four different routines all using the dumbbells and bench and then he gave me a card and circled the four exercises he just shown me and wanted me to do on my own.  “Cool down with another five minutes on the bike then finish.  Do this for six weeks then book another appointment and we’ll see how you’re getting on.”

I did exactly as he said in an empty gym – the benefits of joining mid-week and mid-year – and then finished on the bike, showered and went home.

The journey home was amazing.  Thirty minutes of driving home thinking about how I was making positive changes and planning when I’d next go to the gym.  I had a fitness plan, I was eating healthy, I was on a roll!

It was two days later.

The place was busy but not overly so, so getting on the machines wasn’t a problem.

Bike done, treadmill done, time for the weights.  Two guys already there.  Two fit ripped guys.  Two guys who looked like they spent every minute of every hour of every day at the gym.

I did two of the four exercises then went back to the bike to cool down.  What motivation I had was going because I was embarrassed by being fat in the gym.  Embarrassed by my body.

I spent forty minutes in the shower, wasting time as though I’d done a full work out.

During the thirty minutes drive home I beat myself up for not doing the agreed workout.  Then I started to plan my excuses because telling James I was embarrassed wasn’t an option.

The next time at the gym didn’t go any better.  In fact it went worse.  The place was rammed.  Five minutes done on the bike.  Ten minutes done on the treadmill.  Ten minutes in the shower.  Forty minutes locked in a changing room reading crap on my phone.  Thirty minutes sat in lay by crying about what a complete fucking loser I was.

My next gym session was even worse.  Five minutes on the bike, five minutes in the shower, five minutes in the cubicle, then rushing out the door with my phone pressed to my ear pretending I was on an important work call and had to leave as soon as possible.

I never went back to the gym and it was four month before I cancelled the membership because in my head I’d get over this and go back.

This is just one example of how my body issues affect me.

There are many other ways.

Many many other ways.

And each of them is more screwed up than the one before.

They involve jealousy, paranoia, depression, loneliness and a myriad of other feelings and emotions and not one of them is logical or reasoned or rational.  Yet somehow, each and everyone of them, at some point, appears valid in justifying my body image issues.

I’m fat.

I hate being fat.

I’m doing something about it.

I’m always doing something about it

But it’s a struggle.

And it probably always will be.

*RWT Import* – Well!

So I’m, halfway through week two of my Fitter You programme and today I had my second weigh-in at Weight Watchers. To say I’m amazed and happy just doesn’t seem to cut it.

When I went back to WW after Christmas I was 20st 9lb and at my first weigh-in (last week) I was down 6.5lb. At the time I’d only been on the Fitter You programme four days so was very pleased with those results but put some of it down to eating better, not just the exercise routine.

I’ve been as sick as small hospital all week!

Today I had my second weigh-in. I’ve lost yet another 6.5lb. That’s 1lb away from a stone in two weeks. This is insane! When Phil, my WW coach, told me I was in genuine shock. Even more so as I’ve done very little exercise since Saturday as I’ve been as sick as a small hospital. All laid up in bed and everything!

This afternoon, after getting my shocking loss, I thought about what I’m doing differently to get these types of results. Here’s what I think it is.

1. Tracking.
Weight Watchers always give you a tracker at weigh-in. You write in it all the food you’re eating so you can keep “track” of your SmartPoints. Matt told me to download MyFitnessPal and use that to monitor my calorie intake. I downloaded it but rarely use it as with my Weight Watchers membership I get access to their online tracker so I use that. Essentially it does the same as MyFitnessPal but I’m monitoring SmartPoints rather than calories. I find it easier.

2. Drinking more water.
I’ve never been one for drinking water no matter how much Phil told me to. That being said I knew, even before it was pointed out in my fitness plan, I wasn’t drinking anywhere near enough. I drink a lot coffee, tea and Coke Zero so my fluid intake is fine but all these drinks aren’t clean fluids. Water is. So I got myself a 2ltr barrel bottle from Aldi and every day I refill and drink the entire bottle. The first few days killed me but I’m used to it now and actually enjoying the challenge and goal of drinking two litres.

3. Exercise.
I used to do very little exercise and didn’t care. I knew that was the wrong attitude so when Phil would challenge us in class to do some exercise during the week I would always do it and then tell myself the was enough and that was I pretty awesome for doing that. This complete programme Matt has laid down is tough but it doable. And by tough I’m pretty sure, as I’ve said to him, that he’s trying to kill me.

So, for now I’m going to continue doing those three things because they seem to be working!


*RWT Import* – Fitter Me! – A start!

Ugh! I really hate this!

When I finally got round to checking my email this morning I found that Matt (@FitterYouGlobal) had done as promised and sent me my first workout plan, meal suggestions and recipes and my daily confidence boosting challenge.

One of the things he requested was a shirtless “before” pic but he did explain that it wasn’t compulsory. Those of you that have been with me on this journey before this site started, and after, will know just how difficult it is for me to do that but also how useful I find it to be so open and honest. So as I’m sure you’ve already noticed, I’ve shared the picture here and on my instagram. It’s hideous and I’m horrified, but hey, I’m doing something about it.

I’ve done work out one and my legs are still aching. I’m not looking forward to how they’re going to feel tomorrow! I haven’t drank anywhere near the amount of water I should be drinking but I can sort that. I’ve been shopping and sorted food plans and got some whey protein as suggested. After something I over heard at the gym a few years ago I’m not a fan of whey protein but I’m paying Matt, the website shows success stories, I follow two people on twitter who had success so something must right. Obviously I’ve bought chocolate flavoured whey powder because, well why not?!

Well day 1 down. Here’s to 83 more.

*RWT Import* – Making Changes

A few days ago a guy I follow on Twitter posted the tweet below.

As I’m a nosey bastard I clicked on the twitter account he’d mentioned, @FitterYouGlobal, and started having a nose around.

Tailored workouts, personalised nutrition, weekly confidence-boosting challenges & my meditation guide, to create a bullet-proof mind & body – it’s the ONLY programme you’ll ever need

Could this be the help I was looking for?

I’ll be honest, I was sceptical. A few years ago I employed a fitness instructor through my gym. I paid for a seven week programme and all seemed well. At the consultation I said to the guy “I need you to call me out on my bullshit!” See, I know what I’m like. I have motivation coming out of my bottom, but I lack the drive. With this lack drive comes the most amazing ability to make up a myriad of excuses and justify why I didn’t do whatever workout he’d planned. And trust me, I can be damn convincing. “I had to work late!” or “I’ve lose bolt in my back that needs tightening!” and even “I think I might be pregnant!” I’d say whatever I could if I’d been too lazy to bother doing as instructed.

I’d told the guy to call me out on this. “Ask me if I’m telling the truth, tell me you don’t believe, ask for proof! Do whatever you need to but call me out on it!” I’d said. I’d explained that if he could do this I’d be better off and he’d get a repeat customer. Suffice to say he didn’t. Is there the possibility that this new guy could do it? The only way to find out was to book a consultation and that’s exactly what I did.

Today, as planned and after my horrendous return to Weight Watchers, he rang. My mind was clearer and knew I had to do something about this fat belly.

Matt Boyles. Pic courtesy of @FitterYouGlobal twitter profile.

Well Matt, the instructor, was lovely. Sounded confident, sounded like he knew what was talking about and when I told him about my penchant for bullshitting my way out of an exercise he told me I wasn’t the first person he’d had to deal with like that and would be happy to get tougher with me. And he actually seemed sincere.

One of the things I loved about the conversation was the explanation of the five stages of the programme. It’s more than just “here ya go, do these sit-ups!”, it’s an entire holistic plan and includes a weekly challenge to boost confidence.

So, once the call was over I chatted with Brad and as long as I made a few other small changes he said I could go ahead and join this new programme. I contact Matt instantly and bugger me I’m all signed up and now awaiting my first set of weekly instructions. Oh, and I’m shitting myself that he’s actually gonna call me out and I’m going to have work this time! I’m also looking forward to that!  So thanks for the sort of introduction @MattyCurry.  Hopefully I’ll be at goal in twelve months.

But, if I can’t moan about being fat what will I have to moan about? Maybe I’ll take up smoking again.


*RWT Import* – Kill me now!

So tonight was my first meeting back at Weight Watchers in nine weeks. It was entirely depressing. It was also the first meeting of 2019.

It was fucking shit.

I’m my own worst enemy. I could give you some shit excuse like “my head wasn’t in the right space!” (it wasn’t) or “But I wanted it!” (and I did!) but the simple truth is I need a meeting, I need to telling off, I need the controls and the order. If i try to do thinks my own way – with reagrd to my weight – I fail.

I have a fitness instructor calling me tomorrow and I’m back on the plan so all being well next week I’ll be down.

I fucking better be!

*RWT Import* – Disappointing Weekly Weigh-in

I was only down 1lb at yesterdays weigh-in.

It’s weird being happy and unhappy about this. I’m happy that I was down but I honestly expected to be down more. I don’t mean that I was expecting a five or six pound loss but a two would have been nice, especially after last week four.

The Weight Watchers programme is designed so you lose 1-2lb a week with the use of nutritional cleansing Products. I tracked everything I ate last week, and I mean everything, so in my head I wanted to be down 2lb at the very minimum, not 1lb.

Because I tracked EVERYTHING I was able to spend some time looking back at what I’d eaten and I think I’ve discovered the problem.

The way the Weight Watchers system works it assigns a SmartPoint value to all food, starting at zero. Foods with a low GI count get a get a lower SmartPoint value. GI stands for ‘Glycemic Index’ and it’s number given to food based on how that food reacts with your blood sugar two hours after eating it. The lower the GI the longer you feel full after having eaten. Anything below 55GI is consider low. A lot of the low GI foods are given zero SmartPoints by Weight Watchers because, obviously, if you’re eating low GI foods you’re going to feel full longer on a standard portion and not eat as much throughout the day.

And in that paragraph are the two words that revealed exactly why I was only down 1lb.

Standard. Portion.

A standard portion size is something I need to get used to. Chicken is zero SmartPoints but if I ate twenty chicken breasts in one night I’m not going to lose weight. If eat one, with healthy accompaniments, then I’m going to lose weight. My tracking revealed that although I’d eaten a lot of zero SmartPointed foods I’d eaten too much of them.

A lesson in portion size is something we could all do with because sometimes it’s quite shocking just what constitutes one portion.

For example I love Chinese food and before Weight Watchers would get a takeaway from the local restaurant at least once a week. A “portion” of boiled rice comes in at an average 360grams and approximately 14 SmartPoints. The box you get from the Chinese is not one portion of rice. It’s four! 90grams of rice is considered a standard healthy portion. Recently, when cooking rice at home, I’ve been having 75g which works out to 3 SmartPoints and is plenty to make a nice meal with everything else that goes with it.

So, from now on I’m going to monitor my portion sizes a lot better and also use my points better. Rather than saying “Oh I can have this because it’s zero points!” I will use the points I have and not be excited about getting through the day having only used half my points.

And with regard to my 1lb loss, well Phil, my WW leader/coach, always says to monitor your weight loss over four weeks. So we’ll see how I’ve done in two weeks time and be happy with a loss this week, no matter how small.

*RWT Import* – Overnight Oats

Planning is key to a successful weight loss programme and that doesn’t mean just writing out a shopping list. Sometimes some foods need prepping in advance. As the name suggests Overnight Oats are made the day before and left in the fridge overnight. You can make a few in advance depending on your ingrideients.

Ovenights oats with stewed rhubarb and strawberries

There are so many different ways of making this dish from throwing all the ingredients into a blender to firing them in to a jar raw. Also, the different foods you can use can really change the consistency, thickness and enjoyment.

The most common variety I make is as follows:

– 50g Porridge Oats
– 90ml 0% Fat Greek Yogurt
– Some fruit

I know saying ‘some fruit’ is quite ambiguous but I change what I use every time I make it. The fruit used in the picture is rhubarb and strawberries which I stewed at home a day before hand. You can used tinned fruit (go for the ones in natural juices, not in syrup) or packs of the frozen berries.

The way it’s layered varies from recipe to recipe and from who makes it. My preference, as shown in the picture, is just three layers. Oats in first, then yoghurt, then the fruit. Some people do more layers and use some of the ingredients twice. It’s very much an each to their own. Try it different ways until you find the version you like.

Here’s three of my favourite recipes.

Strawberry Cheesecake

Banana Chocolate Chip

Carrot Cake

80ml cup 0% Fat Plain Greek yogurt
50g oats
160ml cup skimmed milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 tablespoon honey
40 cup chopped fresh strawberries
50g tablespoons softened cream cheese

80ml cup 0% Fat Plain Greek yogurt
50g oats
160ml cup skimmed milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 tablespoon honey
1/2 ripe banana, chopped or mashed
2 tablespoons chocolate chips

80ml cup 0% Fat Plain Greek yogurt
50g oats
160ml cup skimmed milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 tablespoons honey
1 large carrot, peeled and shredded
2 tablespoons softened light cream cheese
40g cup raisins
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Putting them together

Option One

  1. Throw all the ingredients in a blender.
  2. Blend until at the consistency you desire.
  3. Dish up into two jars
  4. Refrigerate over night or for at least four hours.

Option Two

  1. Throw all the ingredients in a bowl
  2. Mix by hand vigorously until everything is well mixed together.
  3. Dish up into two jars
  4. Refrigerate over night or for at least four hours.

Each recipe serves two and making these is simple and quick and they’re incredibly tasty.  I know the Carrot Cake one is high in SmartPoints but use it as a treat or use your weeklies.  It’s worth it!  Well I think it is.  Try experimenting with different flavours.  Look at the list of zero pointed stuff.  There’s so much you can do.

If you make any of these let me know what you think.  I’d be interested to hear about it and if you’ve any of your own versions.

*RWT Import* – The first…

Welcome to my first post.

I have decided to ‘out’ myself and body image issues. Some people might say, given my size, it’s understandable I have body image issues but that’s bullshit. I know plenty of people who are bigger than me who love their size. Good for them. I don’t like my size.

My size isn’t the extent of my body image issues. I don’t like how hairy I am. This gets to me more than my weight. Some people don’t mind being hairy, some people seek out hairy men, good for them. I don’t like being so hairy.

There are other things but those are the main two.

So why go public with all this? Why parade my hatred of my own body around like I’m actually proud of it?

Because to be happy and healthy I need to make changes. To make changes I need support. This is something I only I can change but I cannot do it alone. This journey will be very public.

I’ve been on it a while. Don’t for one second think this is the first time I’ve tried this. Be rest assured this is the last. Why the last? Because my headspace has changed. And as stupid as it sounds I felt it change. I felt it happen. And put it this way, this has to be the last time I try because if I don’t succeed with this I’ll be dead. No, I’m not being dramatic, I’m being realistic. My blood pressure is high, so high that it took the doctor three attempts to get the right level of medication to bring it down, each time increasing the dosage. I’ve been told by four different doctors that I’m dangerously close to a stoke and type two diabetes. My knees are screwed because they’re carrying so much weight.

So here we have it. I’ll do the work, you just help me along.

Oh and by the way, Brad is going to kill me when he finds out I’ve bought another domain.