Tag Archives: Fat

Anxiety at the gym

Anxiety at the gym

So I’m fat. No amount of pulling my stomach in is going to hide it. There are days I don’t mind it. I never like it but there are days I think “I’m happy, I have a great life, Brad loves me, who cares what size I am!”

These days are few and far between.

At work I can ignore it.
At home I can ignore it.
Out with friends I can mostly ignore.
Performing I can always ignore it.

At the gym, well that’s a whole different matter.

At the gym, where I’m going to try and get fitter, I often get body image anxiety. And by often I mean every singe time. I’m not exaggerating there, I get it every single time.

Sometimes I can ignore it. I switch it off by saying “hey, you’re doing something about it!” but other days I can’t. Yesterday was one of those days where I couldn’t turn it off.

In I walk, ashamed of being so big and wondering which member of staff is judging me.
[None of them are!]

I get changed, trying to find a spot where no one can see me because, well, who would want to?
[No one! Not because I’m fat but because straight men rarely want to see other men naked, and yes, most of them are straight — we can smell our own!]

I walk to the exercise room, noting how busy the pool is because if it’s too busy I’m not going in because people will judge me.
[No, they won’t! They don’t care, they’re there to swim, not look at me!]

I spend thirty minutes to an hour on the treadmill, panicking that my fat feet make too much noise pounding the treadmill.
[My feet aren’t fat, they’re feet! And no one can hear me as they have their music playing!]

I then move to the weights. I pick up two dumbbells and do some bicep curls but I’m constantly seeing the other guys looking at me.
[They’re not. They’re looking in the mirror watching themselves work out. I don’t even appear on their radar!]

I move to a machine to get away from the guys watching me.
[Again, they’re not watching me, they’re watching themselves, I’m not important!]

I don’t spend long on the machine before anxiety gets there better of me and with everyone watching I get embarrassed and leave.
[No one watches me!]

I go back to the changing room and the staff stare as they know I’ve not been there long.
[The staff are actually more concerned that physically and mentally I’m okay and not worried about how long I’ve been there – I know this to true, they’ve proved it!]

Again I find a corner of the changing room where no one will see me.
[Again, they’re not interested in seeing me!]

I shower and dry off in the shower cubicle and panic that the towel is too small and won’t go around me.
[Our towels are huge, they swamp me even now.]

Back at the bench I sit and wait until people have left. They don’t want to see me dry my fat belly.
[No, they don’t want to see it because they don’t care!]

I leave and keep my head down so I don’t have to interact with the staff because I’ll make up a lie about why I’m leaving.
[They won’t care about that, they just want me to get a good experience from the gym.]

I sit in the car and do all I can to not get upset about everything that I think that just happened.

It won’t matter how many times people tell me the pieces in [brackets] as I already know the truth. I know no one cares what I look like. I know the other gym users are interested in themselves not me. I know the staff care. But right there are then it doesn’t matter. It never matters.

I’m fat.
On bad days I detest myself.
On good days I’m just fat.
I don’t mind being fat.
I just don’t like how I feel about it.

Closing Rather Weighty This

So, I’ve decided to shut down one of my other sites. The site Rather Weighty This was great when I started it and I used it when I need to but it was set up for the wrong reasons.

I wanted to separate my weight loss journey from my every day blogging/writing. I was wrong to do that. My weight loss for which I took help from geekshealth.com, is part of me, it’s who I am and who I want to be but I treated it like it was something different. Almost like it was someone else. And why did I do that? Well, the answer is sad yet easy.

By putting those posts somewhere I can deny the truth and doing that is dangerous. I’m fat. I’m working on it. I’ve done some hard thinking over the last twelve months and no, this isn’ t me starting again, this is me accepting that my fight to be smaller isn’t going to be the instant success I want it to be. Strangely enough making the decision to shut the site down has been strangely relaxing.

I have body image issues, as an early post suggests, and getting over them is a massive struggle. Putting that struggle on to someone else, another persona, a different online identity is just pushing it away and not dealing with it.

Now I am dealing with it.

Now things feel different. I’ve had plenty of “I’m starting again” moments but none of them have felt like this.

If anything can prove to me that I’m on the right track it’s what happened last weekend.

Myself and Brad went to the UK for family events (birthday, another birthday and yet another birthday). This would involve two meals out and family party with a buffet. I was determined to go to them, enjoy them and still be down at my next Weight Watchers meeting.

So I put my mind to it, I planned, I tracked and I was careful. I was successful! I went to my class and was down. I have never been away for a weekend and come back with weight off. How did I do it? Planning and tracking.

All this tells me I’m in a new headspace.

My goal now is to be three stone down by the end of the year. I think this is doable and I’m supremely confident I’ll do it.

So, now I’m embracing me as I am and starting to like what I am it’s time to get rid of Rather Weighty This.

All the posts from there have been imported to here and tagged with the Rather Weighty This category tag and the titles change to show they’re imports. In the menu at the top of the page I’ve added a button that will only show those entries.  Everything about my weight loss will now be on here.

Weigh in is on Tuesday and I’ve a worry I might be up this week but if so it’ll only be by a 1lb and I can get rid of that by the next meeting.

#ThinkSkinny 🙂